If you have a success story that you'd like to share on this web site, please submit it.  You can always remain anonymous.  These contributions are from various people who have visited our web site and wish to share their stories in order to help others.

A Story by a Daughter about her Father

My father will be fifty-eight this year.  Several months ago, my mother and father began arguing a lot.  Finally, one day, my mother confided to me that my father, the man I had looked up to and had often told people was the smartest person I know, was an alcoholic.  It took my mother threatening to leave him for him to finally quit, after God knows how many years.  But he's doing it.  He's like a whole new person now.  He's happier, and he's lost weight too.  He never went to Al-Anon or anything.  He just stopped drinking.  He made a choice, and stuck to it.  And now, he's my dad again.

A Reflection by a Man in his Early 30's

There has been too many times that I look back on my life and regret the episodes I have had when I was intoxicated.  If I can influence any teenager to stop and think before ruining your life with alcohol, I would, because it sure did ruin mine.

Angela's Story

My story started when I was 12 years old and was out with my sister and her friends.  I used to hang out with her because she was always being left to take care of me.  It was the night before my birthday and we were over at her friend's house.  I was at her friend's table with an older friend of my sister's when he asked me how old I was, and I told him my birthday was the next day.  Well, he brought out a bottle of whiskey and grabbed a shot glass and told me that I couldn't go anywhere until we were done with the bottle.  I ended up getting so drunk that night that I did some really stupid and crazy things before passing out.  When I awoke the next morning, I had a big headache and I felt like crap.

The funny thing was that that was the FIRST day of the rest of my life...well, not really the rest of my life but for the next few years.  I started hanging out with my sister more and more until I established a friendship with her friends.  My sister was 18 at the time, and I had just turned 13 but wanted to be a part of the older crowd.  I ended up hanging out with these friends for the next few years and would go to the bar with them and loved to go hang out in the bars. I was never asked for ID because I was with these people and the bartenders and bouncers thought I was old enough.

By the time I was 15 years old, I was living in the bars from the time that the bar opened at 11 a.m. until it closed at 3 a.m.  It didn't matter if I had money or not because I knew how to get money (through sex or playing pool for money), and I had no problems getting money from somewhere.  I also hung out with people who didn't mind getting sexual favors from me and then buying me drinks all night.  By the time I turned 16 years old, I was so caught up in drinking that I soon lived over the bar with a waitress who was one of my best friends.  I would wake up every morning reaching for the bottle and would go to sleep or pass out with a bottle in my hands.  I went from being a straight A student to a dropout by the time I got to high school. 
I never looked at dropping out as anything but getting in the way of my drinking and didn't care that I quit school.  I had no goals or inspirations to continue with school because it was too hard for me to concentrate on school when all I wanted was a drink.  I had to have alcohol surging through my system all 24 hours of the day, and if I didn't, I would get really shaky and feel like my insides were going to burst.

My life stayed on a continuous roller coaster ride of getting drunk by early morning and staying drunk all through the day until I passed out.  I would wake up in places that I didn't or couldn't remember how I got there and often woke up with a stranger in bed with me.  I was a complete and total mess, I didn't have a life, and I didn't care about anything but alcohol.

It wasn't until I found out that I was pregnant at 22 years old that I started thinking about trying to quit drinking, at least until I gave birth.  I was so messed up for the first two weeks that I quit drinking that I went through horrible days of vomiting, headaches, nausea, and diarrhea or constipation.  I wanted to die because the chills, the shakes, and the hallucinations were making me want to kill myself.  I ended up being hospitalized for three months so that the doctors could try to wean me off alcohol and the damage it was doing to me. 
Once I had the baby, I gave him up for adoption, (as I wasn't able to care for him since I was too messed up), and went right back to drinking for a couple more years.  At 24, I found myself pregnant again, and this time I was determined to quit drinking and make a life for me and the baby.  I admit that I wasn't that healthy when I got pregnant the second time because my meals consisted of alcohol and smoking so I rarely had anything to eat or drink besides alcohol.

I was able to quit drinking by the time I had my baby girl and it was having her that made me want to change my life around.  She gave me a reason to stay sober, to get healthy, and to make something of myself.  I did everything the doctor told me to do, I ate like a horse during my pregnancy because I didn't want to have a small baby, and I read every parenting book so I would know what I had to do to take care of her. 
It was a really hard road back to life and living, but it was well worth the effort, the hard work, and the nightmare that I made of my life when I was drinking.  I have been sober for 12 years now and although I still have cravings, I realize that having one drink is not going to be enough and a thousand won't satisfy me either.  So I have chosen to stay away from alcohol and not even try a sip of anything because I am an alcoholic and will be one for the rest of my life.  I have fought a hard battle and won but that doesn't mean that I am able to pick up an alcoholic drink and be strong, it just means that I now realize what I can and can't do, and I live with it everyday.

If I learned anything from this experience, it is that drinking is only a part time fix for anything that you might be going through and doesn't get rid of problems as easily as you think.  It is only a temporary fix and can result in a life where you are always in the bottle and not able to see past the end of that bottle.  If I could do it all over again with the knowledge I have now, I would have drank more sensibly and wouldn't have tried to drown my problems using this self-destructive way.  I would rather have known all about the effects of alcohol on a person's entire life than to have gone through the shit I have.  IT is NOT worth the effort to drink, whether it's to fit in or to appear cool, the long-term is not worth the short term fun.  I suggest that if you are going to drink, drink sensibly, and always have someone sober driving for you.  I happened to be a lucky person because I never killed anyone while I was drinking and driving.  But if I had to tell teens or adults what was the worst about drinking, I would have to say that it would most definitely be:  that no problems can be solved, no life can be improved, and no happiness can be made by using alcohol or abusing it.  If you want true happiness, love yourself, and respect the body you have because it is the ONLY one you will get and you should treat it like it's the most important thing in your life.  Thank you.

Jean's Story

I started drinking at a very early age and was very popular with my high school crowd as "the life of the party". I could always out-drink everyone who I was with. What started out as fun ended in living hell. My drinking continued through high school and into business college and then into the first law office in which I worked.

At that time, my drinking was fairly well under control; I was young, I had the stamina to get drunk every night and work every day and the vicious cycle went on and on. I really don't like "drunkalogs", so I will try to be brief and say:  I was married several times, held very prestigious jobs, like working in various law firms, for a state Senator, a Probate Judge, and the Lt.

Well, this husband didn't love me as much as I thought; he did the right thing; he took my children, he booted me out of my beautiful home, and he divorced me. I STILL had not bottomed out. I could still out-drink anyone around; and by then, of course the blackouts had started.

Believe me, I tried to blame everyone and everything I knew for my drinking; the death of my child, the ex-husbands, etc. Everyone was responsible for my drinking except me. The blackouts were, in a way, a blessing. I don't want to remember some of those times.

Finally of course, the time came when I could no longer work; I had to have my daily fix of alcohol every few hours or so. My life was a total living hell. There were so many days when all I could do was look out my window to see if it was daylight or dark.

That, my friends, is something that no living human being would ever want to go through. Of course, eventually the time came when there was no money for apartment rent, or for anything, except the few dollars I kept back for my booze. Thank God for the final blackout -- I came to in a room with a quarter on the dresser in the room.

Thank God my family practiced "TOUGH LOVE". None of my family would allow me in their homes; this was bottom out time. I looked in the yellow pages of the phone book and found the number for AA.

Within minutes, a lady and gentleman from AA were there. Neither of them seemed shocked by the few things I told them. I was so sure my story was unique from anyone else's story. I was so sure I was unique. Little did I know but I was simply an alcoholic, one who was ready to do anything in the world to change my life.

These people took me in, carried me to my first AA meeting, and lots of other people started working with me and detoxing me. I have never been so sick, mentally and physically. But I learned after that, that even my worst day sober was better than my best day drunk. The liquor had stopped working for me. There was no more "high," or good feeling.

I am so grateful to my Higher Power and to those that still believed in me, that I was one of the lucky ones who "made it back". It was so hard to walk back into that door of AA and start over and pick up a new chip.

But I did. To hell with false pride - I was ready to quit drinking. Otherwise, I was doomed for an insane asylum or death.

I am happy to tell you that I have just picked up my 17 year sobriety chip. Never could I have made it alone. I have to have all of you, my brothers and sisters, to remind me of who I am, and that is, Jean, a recovering alcoholic who must take life one day at a time in order to stay sober.

There have been many setbacks in my life, but thank God I have not had to take a drink. Seems that this past year has been my hardest; I broke my back, lost a husband I truly loved, and had a complete nervous breakdown. But I STILL DID NOT DRINK.

Every day is like a new day to me now; sometimes I feel as if I don't quite know which direction I am going, but I know as long as I stay sober, the direction will sooner or later become clear. I have the privilege of being able to do some work in a detox unit, and its such a great feeling to share my experience, strength, and hope with another suffering human being.

I hope, in doing so that somewhere down the line, I may help just one person to find their way to the only program in the world that has worked for me; the program for the living, Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank God for Bill W. and Dr. Bob, our co-founders. Whatever would we have done had their paths not crossed.

I don't have everything in the world I want right now, but I do have everything that I need, and it has been proven to me by my Higher Power and the Steps and Traditions of this program and all the great people in this program, that this thing does work. There are many things I would like to change in my life, but I feel if it is meant for them to change, it will happen.

I do have my children back, with the exception of one child who is out there, and is a practicing "addict". There is nothing I can do for him, except pray. I have carried him to many meetings with me, so he has been exposed, and it is up to him as to whether he chooses to live or die. It is that simple. There is no in between.

I want to end by telling each of you, those of you who I don't know, that I love you. We share the same disease and we know what we have to do in life. We have a choice today. And isn't that wonderful? Some people with diseases don't have a choice. I have been given the gift of sobriety; I love life without alcohol; I enjoy so much drinking my coffee on my back steps and watching the birds in the morning; simple things that nobody else would think is that important.

I find that I can make clear decisions, even though they don't always have the outcome I would like. What more can I say? I am a grateful alcoholic whose name is Jean L. and every day is a new awakening, because I have been given another chance; and I must not let alcohol destroy my life.

That is the reason I have to stay active in this program and always remind myself of who I am, where I have been, and where I never want and don't have to go again. Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.

Sandy's Story

'Til I was 11 years old, my father was my hero; he had been a great dad . What I realize now is that I was so mad at this man that I loved and trusted, in one single act he took from me a father that had not existed and my self-assuredness. He reduced me to a pile of pain, not so much by the physical act but by the betrayal of my trust . I never felt safe again in my own home, although he never tried again because I finally did say NO.  I knew I could never get the man back that I had loved and trusted. In my life after that, I could not find a way to relate to men, unless I had a lot of alcohol, thus taking me down the path to alcoholism.  When I was 19 years old, my father left my mother.  They came and got me for I was visiting some friends that night.  He had left a note saying that he wanted a divorce.  I was so mad that they fed me alcohol that night.  I know if I could have found a gun I could have shot and killed him.  I I thought it was my fault he left...I never told my family what happened when I was 11 years old.  I kept the secret, and now he was leaving my mother anyway.  I was also mad at them because they didn't believe me.  They told me that I was making it up.  Even to this day they don't believe me.  I never argued with them, and it was 11 years before I got sober and got help for me.  Since that night they never say anything to me about my father's abuse.  He died before I got sober and my mother died about eight years ago, an alcoholic still using.

Nobody likes to admit they are powerless.  We all think that we have the power to control our lives.  It is hard to believe that a substance that I put in a glass was controlling me and causing me all these problems.  I was a young drinker and I got into a lot of trouble.  The first time someone talked to me about my drinking I was a senior in high school just 19 years old and running with an older crowd.  I did not hear a word she was saying, not really.  I told her I did, but what did she know?  So I got drunk once in awhile; so what?  It would be 11 more years before I would really hear anyone.  I was thirty when I stopped drinking in 1975.  I was a drinker that could go for long periods and not drink but when I did, look out.  What got me the most was why I could not drink like a normal person socially.  I really hated what happened to me and what I did when I was drunk.  A friend of mine had gone to AA only 6 months earlier, and one day on the beach she said for me to take this test...Well, I failed, of course...It was a few  weeks later after a really bad night I asked her if I could go with her to her meeting.  I had to admit that I was powerless, and I did not like it but I did not want to drink either.  As I sat in the meeting, everyone was talking, and I realized that they were just like me.  If normal people are purple then alcoholics are green.  It is hard being green but green is what I was and I was never going to be purple.  Most of us would give a right arm to be purple, but after 29 years I am grateful to be green.

There  were a couple of small children I was cheating out of a good mother.  Why would I put them in danger by drinking and driving with them in the car?--I did not know.  I thought I had a belief in a God of my understanding....What I did not realize was how much of my life I ruled and how little I trusted this higher power to do for me....A belief that was as empty of spirit as the Church I attended.  What I found I need for me is a far more personal God.  I had to trust God to take away the insanity of this disease....One Day at a Time.  I had to learn to live in the NOW no matter what happened.  I started by saying "please" in the morning and "thank you" at night....There was a picture on the wall of one of the meetings that I attended.  It was a small kitten hanging onto a branch of a tree for dear life.   That was me in the beginning and even today when life gives me life I see the kitten holding on and I picture hands of my god holding me up...Now life is better than it has ever been....Sobriety works if we just let it.  I am not telling  that there are no problems in my life because there are....My sponsor said that I was not dealing with a full deck....At eight years sober, my sponsor said no men for a year...She didn't do that because I was a well cookie; she did that so I would stay sober and get counseling.  I got help and I stayed sober, and I raised my children with the graces of God....I would not have given up any of the trials or any of the joys for one drop of alcohol....I will walk with my higher power every day of the rest of my life no matter what happens....I could have written a lot of war stories but I just want you to hear the truth and not how many times I got drunk or how many times I put my face in a plate of eggs because I was too drunk to eat them....How I let strange men take me home....I did all of that just like any other alcoholic....What you need to hear is that there is a way of life without booze and you can do it too....Thank for listening.

A Sober Man's Story

I was a patient of the TTK hospital 10 years ago. For the last 10 years, I have not touched a single drop.

I was born in a traditional, god-fearing middle class Brahmin family. My father was a bank officer. Being the only son, I was given everything I asked for. Everybody in my joint family thought that I would be the most successful among all us cousins. On the contrary, I am the only one who went astray. Nobody in our family touched alcohol. But even when I was in school, I tasted it. When I went to college, the frequency increased. I used to lie to my father to get money. Nobody in my family suspected me.

My career as a sales person started at 21, in 1968. I started drinking more and more. I liked the high I got when I had alcohol. I manipulated time and people to experience that high. And I lost my first job because of it. I got another job without any problem. This time I chose to go out of Madras because I could drink without anyone from my family knowing it. I was in Andhra Pradesh for one-and-a-half years. There too, I used to finish my job by 2 in the afternoon and start drinking. "Soon I found it difficult to manage with what I was earning. I began manipulating the accounts and borrowing money from various dealers. To cut a long story short, I was dismissed once again. I came back to Madras and got another job. My father had his first heart attack when he came to know about my drinking problem.

Soon I was taken to a psychiatrist. Everyday, after my visit to the doctor, I went and drank. I had no plans to quit drinking. I went to the doctor for my parents' sake. "As days passed, I needed alcohol the moment I got up from bed. I had by then developed negative traits, such as self-pity, egoism, arrogance, disrespect, and so on. I cut myself off from everybody, as I knew nobody wanted me.

Looking back, what saddens me most is that our relatives distanced themselves from my family because of me. I was a compulsive gambler too. I had been gambling since I was eight. I started drinking as a result of gambling, not the other way round."

In 1980 I decided to get married. Financially I was very badly off. I was 35 and till then I had no intention of marrying. But as I had no money to drink, I suggested to my parents that they look out for a girl. My poor parents fell into the trap. Being a Brahmin, I thought, I would get some money and jewels as dowry, which I could use for drinking and gambling. I got married in March 1982 on a Monday. I was off alcohol for six days. Poor girl, she was shattered when I took to the bottle on Sunday. She was happy only those six days. After that, I made her life hell. I abused her physically. I grabbed all her jewelry, sold them for the pleasure of the drink. I was not in my senses.

When my wife became pregnant, I kicked and beat her badly. She became a psychiatric patient and had to get medical help. It was my poor mother who used to take her to the doctor whenever she fell unconscious and ill. Nothing affected me -- neither her illness nor her sufferings. I was not bothered in the least about others; I was only bothered about alcohol, and myself. My primary purpose in life was to drink. She was in labor for 20 hours. During that time, she cursed god, me, my parents and her parents. She went through hell.

My first child was stillborn. I swore on my dead child in front of all my relatives that I would not touch alcohol again. I buried the child, and went straight to a bar and drank. I had no human feelings. Otherwise, do you think a man who swore on his dead child would do such a dreadful thing?

My second child was born in 1984. By god's grace she was fine. I was very happy to see my baby. For one whole year, I sat at home and looked after her as my wife was working and there was no one to look after the baby. I didn't feel the need to drink.

When our child turned one, my wife decided to employ a girl to look after her. And I started drinking again. Once I started drinking, I began abusing my wife physically. I took her salary and drank. I even went to the extent of stealing her silk saris and selling them for paltry amounts to drink.

I went from bad to worse. My father had another heart attack. My father who sold his property to pay my debts, my father who lead a very decent life, my father who always loved me -- he spent his sick days in a government hospital.

One of my cousins in the US saw a write-up on the TTK hospital, and sent a clipping of it to my father. My father admitted me to the hospital. That was the first time I understood that alcoholism was a disease. I concealed from the hospital my gambling problem. I also didn't know then that it was because of gambling that I became an alcoholic. For six months, I was okay. I stayed away from alcohol. But there was no change in my personality because I was gambling. I had to borrow, steal and beg.

Then I started drinking again, with greater vigor. I looked at my father's death as another reason to drink. Every time I started drinking, I lost more and more in my life. I had no money. I did not have a job. I used to beat my mother too if she did not give me money. My wife wanted to leave. My mother became so scared of me that she would not stay in the house alone with me. They never used to leave my daughter alone with me. All my relatives shunned us. My wife was not respected, my mother was not respected... and my five-year-old child was called the daughter of an alcoholic. Other kids did not let her join them.

One day, my wife told me with tears rolling down, "I am leaving you. I have no courage to leave my daughter with you because I am afraid you may even sell your own daughter to drink. Those words really shook me. I asked myself, am I that bad? Will I sell my daughter for a few hundred rupees to drink?

I wanted to be a good person, a good father, a good husband and a good son -- at the age of 43. I returned to the hospital. I am happy to tell the whole world that I have not touched alcohol for the last 11 years."

"I Will Never Be That's" Story

Hi, I just wanted to share a few things with you all about my life, where I came from, and where I am today. I was born on July 24, 1956 at Hamilton AFB, California. I was one of six children, five girls and one boy...(Poor guy, huh?) We traveled quite a bit from base to base, but eventually we ended up at Moody Air Force Base in Valdosta, Georgia......the place that I call home today. Throughout my life I witnessed abuse, alcoholism in progress, and I just knew that I "would never be like that!" My father is an alcoholic and my mother wasn't strong enough to walk away. I learned how to comfort my mother and I knew how high to jump when dad said jump. But most of all, I knew how to hide my feelings, my embarrassment, my guilt, my fear, and my pain from all those who knew me. I was that "happy" person who always had a smile on my face.....

I went through my school years knowing that I was not really accepted by those that I thought were "really cool" but I pretended that I was just as good, and that it didn't really matter to me, and I just kept smiling......on the outside! But deep inside, I wanted so badly to be like everyone else....so sure of themselves and always knowing the right thing to say or to do. I became somewhat of a class clown; (sound familiar?) I realize that we weren't all class clowns, but I think we all had some way of being noticed. For me, I knew how to be funny! At least I thought I was. Today I wonder if they were laughing with me or at me. The great part is, I really don't care today.

Moving a little further on, I knew as I was becoming an adult that I was different from other people. I didn't really understand why, but I knew that my life was just not as wonderful as theirs seemed to be. I felt as though I was worth the kind of life that I thought others had, but somehow I just didn't feel like they did. After graduating from high school, I got a phone call from a basketball coach to inform me that Valdosta State University (which was a college at the time) was forming their first girl's basketball team the next year and asked if I was interested in playing. (I played in high school.) Oh yes, this would make me "somebody." I just knew it. So, I started college, but really because of the fame that playing ball would give me. I would be just like everybody else then. I also started working as a bartender at a really nice place in town, so I was important to all those "social drinkers" (LOL) too. The day before our very first VSC girls basketball game I tore a ligament in my leg while doing wind sprints. Well, there goes the fame!! I completed my first year of college and then decided that I was making enough money bartending and didn't need a career. I was still very adamant about "not drinking," because again I was never going to be like that. I would never be like my father. I was a good bartender.....matter of fact my boss told me he'd put me up against any bartender in the country. I knew how to excel at anything that I did. Then came the dreaded "relationship" era....I didn't know much about that because I never dated in high school. I was just a tall, skinny, basketball player who spent my time after school riding my horse....did I mention that I was a barrel racer? Sold my horse during my "college basketball priority!" Anyway, my first relationship was pretty good. He was a nice guy and he loved me. Was going to marry me even! (smile) Well, you know with every "first" relationship there comes a "first" disagreement. I remember it so well....it was as though I had no idea how to react....no idea whatsoever. He sat in the bar that I was working at with "another girl" and I thought that I was supposed to at least react. I started thinking about how I should feel, and suddenly my mind went to TV....you know the story....they fight, they break up, someone gets drunk and throws the glass across the room in anger.....That's it, that's what I'll do! I fixed the most powerful drink (with a fruity flavor so I could tolerate the taste), and then I went into the "closed" kitchen and sat on a barstool and drank, and drank, and drank.....Then it was time for the big moment.....I stood up, threw the glass across the kitchen to watch it shatter against the wall. Okay, now I should "feel" something. Well, I don't recall it, but I must have "felt" the floor because that's where my boyfriend found me. Passed out in the kitchen on the floor. Glad I missed that one! I could have hurt myself, huh? It's funny, but right then I knew that I had to find out how to do this thing called alcohol. That was my first drug of choice. Over the years, many "abusive" relationships (funny how we always seemed to find someone just like dad) and three engagements, I knew something just wasn't right. These guys "loved?" me, yet they could abuse me, and I didn't really understand it, but I was just like mom. Not strong enough to walk away. I guess I just wasn't good enough for anything more than that either. After I was "strong" enough to leave the third man that I was engaged to, I became a "single" person and was loving it. Did what "I" wanted and when I wanted to. I was awoken about 4 a.m. one morning by the hospital. A friend of mine was in an accident and she requested that they call me. She was one of my waitresses and had no family here. I had only been to bed for about 2 hours at the time. Well, I ended up being up all night long and all day and then had to go to work. I was so very tired. One of the bartenders that I worked with was on prescription diet pills and told me to take one, that it would help. Well, I had never done "drugs" and just as before, "I would never do that," but she convinced me that it would not make me feel as though I was "on" something, but would only wake me up. "WOW" was I awake. I was so energetic and very impressed. I knew how to do "alcohol" very well, and now I needed to know how to do this. I ended up staying up all night again, but this time it was because of this "energy pill" and the next day I returned to work "needing another one" in order to stay awake. After about 3 days of this she told me "you can't do this!" Oh, but I didn't, remember? You can't give me something to keep me up and then just take them away! I was actually "desperate" and this feeling was very new to me. She refused to let me have anymore. This was my very first (and only) experience with theft. I went into the closet where our purses were and "took" some of her pills. I only took half of one in order to be able to sleep that night. I did sleep and was fine at work the next night, but all I could think about were those pills that were "now mine" sitting in my purse. I started taking them just for that extra boost of energy. (Like I needed it or something.) After they were gone, and knowing that somewhere deep inside I just couldn't "steal" hers again, I asked around for some speed. Bought a bottle from someone with 800 RJS's for $80.00.....What a bargain....only 10 cents a piece. Hmmmmm....everyone was paying $1.00 for these things. I can make some money here too. I began "living" on these pills and although my mind said "go, go, go," my body finally said "STOP!" I was fortunate to have friends at my apartment at the time and the paramedics were called to "revive" me. My first "second chance" at life was given to me. But I didn't think about it that way back then. All I knew then was that I would have to find a "different" drug because this one was killing me. So, off to search for something new.

I'll skip on past, but during the next few years I continued to search for something to make me feel important....one drug after the other, one sexual encounter after the other, whatever it took to feel loved. I didn't realize how much guilt I was building up inside and that the day would come that I would "BE" somebody that was worthy and I'd have to look back upon all of this in order to come to terms with it. I eventually met a man who was playing keyboards in a band. He was gentle and kind and since singing was my "dream" in life, we connected pretty easily. I started singing with the band and loving life. The day he asked me to marry him, I knew right then that I was going to be okay.....this guy would never treat me like the others and that was a good enough reason for me. We married and soon had our first child. Things were real good. I still drank a lot though. That part didn't change. After my bartending job, I would go out to the club where he played and would drink until he finished for the night. But we were productive members of society.....(are we laughing yet?) We did cocaine on special occasions (i.e. birthday, anniversary, etc.), but that bottle was always there at my fingertips when I wanted it. All of our friends did a lot of cocaine, but we were different....only on "special" occasions for us.

Eventually the place that I had bartended for 9 years closed. The owner was just tired of it and wanted to take a break. I went to work for another place, but during that time a new company bought the building and had plans of making a five star restaurant and lounge out of it. Because I had run the lounge in that building for so long, the new owners, after hearing repeatedly "you need Jami here," came to the place that I was working and offered me more money and "get this," a cadillac company car......Man, a bartender with a "company car?" They had been watching me work for a few days and decided to give me an offer I couldn't refuse. So, I hired my husband to put together a different type of band to suit a five star lounge. Tuxedos, upright bass, keyboard, drums, and trumpet. The right type of look with the right type of music. It was going well in the beginning, but eventually the prices for "5-star" was just too much for our town, and suddenly the doors were locked, the owners had disappeared, and I was a few thousand dollars (in back pay) in the hole. By this time we had 2 children, and we were both out of work. That's when the real trouble started. A friend of my husbands told him, "You're always coming to me for cocaine for someone else, so why don't you just buy some and sell it for profit until you both find jobs!" You know, just something to put food on the table until we both got back to work somewhere. Well folks, this was the beginning of the end (or was it possibly my "true" beginning at life??) Suddenly this drug that we only did on special occasions was sitting in our home 24 hours a day . I won't go into the next 18 months, but I will say that I couldn't make it through the day without it, would find it no matter where my husband hid it, and was destroying myself little by little, day by day. The ending came when I found a massive amount that he had "misplaced" about a year earlier, and I was in heaven. No more searching, hiding video cameras to see where he hides it, etc. I had my own "stash" now. But I was going to do it productively, make it last a long time....(LOL) I started it and didn't stop until it was gone, and by all reasons I should have been gone too.....AGAIN! I went through some pretty insane experiences during those few days, and at one point I fell to my knees, and for the first time in all the times that I had said these words, this time I truly meant them.....I held my arms up in the air and looked to the heavens and cried "GOD PLEASE HELP ME!" I don't remember how I got there, but I awoke in my bed to find my husband and children had disappeared, and also to find this beautiful woman who I had never seen before standing in my room. My friends, this woman had a glow about her that I will never forget as long as I live. She came to my bedside, sat down and took my hands and said to me, "I will help you if you let me!" Soon after, I was in the emergency room to find that I had made it.....one more time!

Now for the great part.....This "gorgeous" doctor, who everyone around here knows about, was the doctor treating me. He looked into my eyes....(OH MY GOD, I WAS IN HEAVEN FOR SURE), and he said, "Do you want help?" I said yes. Next thing I knew I was being transported to a detox center. That darn doctor, I thought "HE" was going to help me (smile). Little did I know then, that what I had searched for all of my life, the ability to face life on it's terms and to know God, and to love myself, was heading right in my direction. My life began on this day.......November 17, 1987. My first meeting was actually an AA meeting and my first sponsor was also AA. AA came into the detox center where I was "visiting!" After detox, I found my children, went and got them, and filed for divorce. Then I began attending NA meetings, mainly because most of the people that I knew in detox were going there, but also because the counselor that I had, who became a "special" part of my life was also going there....In 1988, I started a second group of Narcotics Anonymous, called the "Spirit of Recovery" group of Narcotics Anonymous, because the other group was only meeting 3-4 nights a week, and I needed more and so did many others.....I found out that I was not a bad person, that I was worthy of life, and that I could make it without the use of drugs or alcohol in my life. I walked into the doors of a room that I didn't know what was behind, and I found a lot of love. I found people who didn't ask me, "Why do you do that?" They all knew why and they loved me still. All they cared about is what I wanted to do about my problem and how could they help! How wonderful it was to find out that I wasn't alone, wasn't judged, and wasn't going to have to live without hope anymore. In 1990 I remarried and suddenly became the mother of four instead of two......Took a lot of hard work, faith, prayer, and courage to get past the new trials and tribulations that faced both of us, but we made it through. I am grateful today for those trials, because I grow with each new learning, and sometimes painful, experiences. On September 13, 1997, I became a grandmother and I am just in "awe" of the miracles and blessings that God has given to me. Today I can smile again and I can share that with others. I still need all those people in my life that taught me this way, and I also need those that are just learning how we do it to remind me that it's still "hell" out there, and because recovery is a lifetime thing. One day at a time, "WE" can make it........AND SO CAN YOU!!

Joey's Story

Joey was born on Halloween, 1968, in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I was an active drinker and took him with me to work the very day he was born! He slept in an old beer cooler, while I tended bar, and played pool. During the first 2 years of his life, we traveled a lot, as I was also a truck driver, and I was always on the ‘run’ to find just the right place, the right job, the right man to ‘fix’ me, to take on my family, and life would be grand. I finally settled in Fernandina Beach, Florida and back to work in a bar. I met my ‘White Knight’ there, and we married in 1972. My 3rd husband, Larry, was a good father to my boys, and our lives, for a time, were good. However, I lost interest in my marriage, and left my husband for a nursing career in Jacksonville. This is where Joey’s story really starts! He was such a darling little boy. He was always the jokester, and he was always able to make even the most serious of situations turn out comical. Joey had been allowed to smoke pot from the time he was 8 and was drinking beer with me when he was even younger than that! He was ‘handling’ it so well, and it seemed to calm him down for a few hours, so ‘what’s wrong with it?’ Of course, I know now what’s wrong with that!! When Joey was 13, he was arrested for assault on a school mate. He had beaten the kid bloody with a bicycle chain. From there, he went onto bigger and better crimes. Robbery, breaking and entering, car theft, drug dealing, sexual assault, and vandalism. He ended up in court more than in school. He was sentenced to project STEP, project STOP, several half-way houses around the state, and numerous stays in the local jails. In the meantime, I had gotten clean and sober. I had tried every way I could to help Joey. I found that bailing him out of jail didn’t work. All the lawyers couldn’t help him, moving him away for a year or two, once to St. Louis and another time to South Florida, didn’t have an affect on him. He was losing his enablers! He broke into my house, stole electronic equipment, jewelry, money, credit cards, and checks. He would show up all bloody, having gotten beaten up, and I would have to turn him away. I found him sleeping an a lawn chair in my garage one time. I chased him off again! He broke into neighbors' homes, friends' homes, and would always end up back in jail. On September 21st, 1994, he came to me, he was beaten down, sick looking, and crying. He asked me to help him get clean and sober. I took him to an AA meeting at a club close by, and Joey was on track - so I thought! He was loved by the fellowship. He was sweet and helpful to the fellowship and a great help in the maintenance of the club, painting the rooms, helping with the cookouts, always being in the midst of wherever someone was doing something of merit. Still, Joey couldn’t get together 30 days in the several years he had tried AA and recovery. In February 1996, I took him with me to Minnesota for my parents 50th anniversary. There was a huge party at the country club. Joey had 28 days sober when he disappeared with someone from the party, and no one knew until the next morning that he was lost in a blizzard!! My folks were so distraught, fearing the shame of the people in the town talking about this, and hardly able to be concerned with his welfare. Joey was known to cause embarrassment, and it was a mistake to take him to Minnesota, and expect him to be someone he was incapable of becoming. The next day, it was discovered that Joey had turned up at someone’s house, and was found sleeping in their car. They called the police, and Joey was taken to jail. He didn’t know anyone, and wasn’t even sure of the name of the town my folks lived in, so being ‘homeless’ he was sent to detox! My friend and my brother helped me to get him out of there with the condition that we leave town! We headed straight back to Florida. Very few words between us on that ride. Upon getting home, Joey proceeded to get drunk again. I was called within a week of him being arrested for driving a stolen car, DUI, and possession of drugs. While he was in jail, he was beaten severely, and was unrecognizable when I went to visit him. When he got out...(again!) he ended up going back to the old places, hanging with the old crowd, and doing the same old things that kept him in misery.

Alcohol and drugs terrorized him, and his struggle was more that he could endure. On May 17th, at 7am, I got a call..."Sam, Joey is in the hospital. He has been shot in the head."

I called my sponsor, and within the hour I was standing next to my son. Tubes in all parts of his body, in his brain, his neck, his nose, several IV’s, central lines, catheter, and of course,he was unconscious and on a ventilator. I stayed about 15 minutes, then went to a meeting! I was reminded of how powerless I truly am. I was aching in places where I didn’t even know I had feelings. After days of deliberation, Joey’s brother and I decided to ‘pull the plug’. We let Joey go! We stood at his bedside, held him and loved him as he took his last breath. I was dumbstruck. How did this happen? The police investigated, and the report was that Joey was at a friend’s home in the process of a big coke deal, and the scales and guns were laid out on the table. Several people were in attendance, and suddenly, Joey stood up and asked..."Hey, are we having fun yet?" and then took the .357 Magnum up to his head, and pulled the trigger. The top of his head was gone! His blood ran out of the apartment and down the stairs. His brains scattered all over the dining room, the drugs, and the people! The terror of the life he lived, his addictions, had finally led him to doing the only remaining thing he could to be free. In my making the final arrangements, I had his memorial at my Home Group, the Westside Club, in Jacksonville, Florida. The room was packed! Any friends that Joey had paid their respects in an AA meeting!! Several of them are clean and sober today. I struggled for months after his death as to why he just never got the message. Today, I know, Joey didn’t get the message....He and the life he lived WAS the message!! What a powerful message!! Surrender or die! What a sacrifice, to give one’s life and find that others may learn from Joey’s ongoing struggle with alcohol and drugs.

So, my friend, this is how it is......if you have a problem with alcohol or drugs, if you have ever felt that you or your life was insignificant to those around you, if you feel out of control, or lack of control, if you are beaten and tired of the struggle, then there is help for you. I open my arms to you, and welcome you to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I hope that reading this has stirred within you some of what I am feeling as I write it. That not everyone can and will get clean and sober. Hear the message, share it with people around you. Seek help! And go to meetings, and work the steps. Trust in God, as you understand Him. Help others, and give back what is given to you.

Mark's Story about Recovering from Manic-Depression & Alcoholism

Thirteen years ago, at the age of 24, I was diagnosed with manic-depression. Learning to live with this mental illness has been extremely difficult especially during the last 6 years. In 1989 I had my second manic episode and I was treated at the Clarke Institute in Toronto. Since then and up to August 1994 I have been in hospitals in many different cities: Toronto, Montreal, Calgary, White Rock, Vancouver (UBC and St. Paul's). After suffering an episode and a lengthy stay of up to two months in hospital, I would attempt to recover but within 3-6 months I wound up in the hospital once again.

I never really had a fair chance of recovering from my mood disorder because I suffer from another mental illness called alcoholism. It wasn't being treated. After being discharged from hospital I would resume drinking and then within a matter of months I would be back in hospital having suffered another manic episode.

It was strongly suggested to me in 1984 when I was first diagnosed as manic depressive that I should stop drinking. My only response was to say, "surely they can't mean beer". My drinking escalated from 1989 until August 1993 when I first joined the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. During those years I was in complete denial of what alcohol was doing to the chemical make-up of my body. I drank in order to suppress the negative feelings of mania and depression. The more I drank the sicker I became, yet I would not address my alcohol problem because alcohol had become my best friend. Denial runs deep! It took a family crisis where my parents told me that they would no longer support me emotionally or financially if I ended up in the hospital and alcohol was involved. This scared me to the point where I called Alcoholics Anonymous and began attending AA meetings. It takes time but AA seems to be working for me. I have arrested my drinking problem through total abstinence. Now the medication that I take has a chance to work the way it is intended.

Stopping drinking is only part of the solution. For me, working with doctors who understand mood disorders and getting the proper medication is the key to a successful recovery. Now that I don't drink I am in touch with my true feelings and this has helped me to identify which medications work for me. When I was drinking it was next to impossible to tell if a medication was working or not.

Since August 1994 I have not had to enter a hospital for treatment of manic behavior. Not drinking, one day at a time, is having a tremendously positive impact on my mental health. If you think that you may have a drinking problem, and can't seem to stop, seek help. Total abstinence and the right medications are improving my chance of living a normal life style away from major mood swings.

Mark F.

Teena's Story (from an Al-Anon Viewpoint)

Hi..

I went to my first Al-anon meeting today.... I was really scared, but when I got there, I relaxed. I keep learning new things everyday and every minute. It's really cool! I'm feeling so much better and happier.... I have been working on learning not to be a "people pleaser" and boy that's a tuffy! I did tell someone "no" when they asked me to do a favor for them....and they said "okay"...that was weird for me...I thought they would yell or something...LOL

My husband has been great, and he has even noticed a difference in me! I heard him talking on the phone today to one of his friends and he told his friend that he was "working on giving up the liquid diet" (as he calls it)...He didn't know I was home. He has yet to go for help or a meeting, and I haven't said anything to him about it (and I don't intend to ) He hasn't had a beer in 3 days....He is irritable and has been eating everything in the house. All I can do is pray for him!

Our roommate went on one of his little binges. He left and has been gone for two days and no one knows where he is. He does not drink, but he has a drug problem. The phone has been ringing off the hook with everyone looking for him, and instead of lying and covering up for him I simply said that I did not know where he was!

My husband must have been reading my Al-Anon stuff because I heard him telling some of the roommates' friends some quotes from Al-Anon...?

These last couple days have been really wonderful for my whole family, I keep waiting for a bomb to go off...I know it will happen....it's just a matter of time.

When it does, I know now that I can go to an Al-Anon meeting....I feel that I've made some progress from the way I was the other night....and I don't intend to go back to the way I was...! I've got a lot to learn and a lot of questions ... day to day.

Thanks to you all... : )

Teena